||. YOU STABBED ME BUT I’LL GLADLY CONVICT MYSELF.||

I used to mean something,
Now I’m just something.
From daily calls,
To just another text you have to reply to.
I know it’s “fuck you Ellie”,
This is just the polite version.
Letting me down slowly,
But I can feel the fall.
There’s my blood on these walls,
And at the bottom too.
I’ve been here before.
All the pretty girls in my life,
Have either left, or are on the way out.
I bet my fans are tired of reading the same poem.
I’m sorry life isn’t giving me anything new.
Different girl,
Same pain.
It’s unfortunate I’m not blessed with the average ones;
The ones that leave and the pain they give leaves shortly after.
I’m stuck with the wild ones,
The ones with hoops and dreamcatcher tattoos,
Fros,
And bodies like Nefertiti.
They could turn your world upside down and you’d feel like it’s your fault.
I hope you’re at the part where you don’t even read my poems anymore,
Though at some point you were the poetry in my life when I’d swore not to write anymore.
You love sangria,
And I’m a broken glass,
I blame me for considering myself your favorite.
I mean,
You said it a couple of times,
But jokes on me for not getting the joke.
I won’t seek closure,
The canceled plans are loud enough.
I won’t tell you that I’m at the point of loving you where I’d hate me if you hated me.
If you read this and ask “what’s wrong?”
I’ll just say it’s too much creativity.
All these memories are so bitter,
I want to cut my tongue.
I lied about the closure part by the way.
But you’re happy and it hurts that I’m hurt you’re happy without me.
You put both your feet in my depths,
And I in yours,
You’ve dried your feet,
And I’m somewhere drowning.
Can you hear my lungs collapse?
You used to be able to see me hurting even before I could feel the pain,
So I know you know,
That for every second you’re asleep,
I’m in a continuous nightmare.
Maybe you’ll come for a few shows,
But no matter how slow you break my heart,
It’ll still be in pieces either way.
I’m running,
But you’re faster than me when you walk away.

Elliepoet.

||.VIBING.||

Weed smoke passing through our nappy hair,
Mine is unkempt,
Hers looks like the birthplace of stars.
Sunset is filtered through the grey curtains,
The orange hue on her caramel reminds me of images of sand dunes on Pinterest.
Orange crop top,
Black tights,
Her tiny eyes are red behind her large lashes,
She’s cuddled up with me,
She smells like lavender and Mary Jane.
The thin mist between us is the most divine incense I have known thus far.
We’re so high we can see angels beneath us.
She stops passing the blunt,
And start kissing the smoke down my throat.
My skin is sensitive,
She leaves a monument everywhere she touches me,
My eyes feel divine,
Drowning in the milky glow of her big ass smile.
She guides me through her body,
I can hear violins and saxophones when we’re making out,
Maybe it’s the lofi,
Maybe she’s just that magical.
She giggles as my fingers trace her waistbeads.
For a few hours,
Existence doesn’t hurt.
We laugh as we eat like vultures later on,
Maybe I’m that funny,
Maybe she’s that weird,
Maybe we’re just high.
My fingers smell like desire and weed,
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Elliepoet

||. DO YOU?||

Do you miss it?
Sometimes,
Or even at all?
How my fingers treated your skin like a runway and sent your mind into flight,
How your skin felt my presence before the light on my skin hit your eyes,
Playing you guitar when we were naked,
And watching our souls belly dancing.
Listening to how much I love you,
And knowing each word was as true as the dictionary put it.
Holding me when I was too heavy for myself,
Watching me scribble random poems when we were high as kites,
My lips on places you didn’t even know felt nice.
The long calls that made insomnia feel like wonderland,
Clowning together,
Laughing at the same things,
And arguing about others.
This ship had all its sails ready for whatever oceans lay ahead of us,
And I was ready to sail.
We’re you?
Did the seas get too deep?
Do you wonder where the voyage would have led,
If you hadn’t blown a hole right in the middle of my ship?

Elliepoet

||. 75 SECRETS.||

I’m writing this high as fuck
I hope it makes sense when I’m sober
I hope you remember the deep moments
Few as they were
Because everything else was just two strangers masturbating each other
I don’t know how you remember this story
Honestly I’ve never told it to anyone,
Just bits
To people who I pray never meet
I’d want to know what was your best part
But I never get what I want
At some point I was the one you came to,
All sorts of messed up
And I had a special place in my already broken heart for broken things
When the world pushed you against the wall
I was that tiny window that proved there was something beyond the wall
Conversations about death brought some life
And the smell of your perfume was my gateway to fantasies of a future with a girl who had a smile that moved my soul to tears
But it turned to poison when you no longer wanted me near your skin
I’d also want to know when
The exact moment when I became something you’d rather move away from
Than move together with
Because nothing about me changed
But everything about you did
Hanging out with me became just another class you had to go to for attendance
You became so cold that my warmth was what snow feels like near a flame
I made you melt
And not in the way that love poems make it sound like
I want to say what I loved about you
But then everybody would know that it’s you.
And I’m not ready for those questions
My boys will tell me they were right
When they told me the only depth I should have sought inside you was when I was hitting it
The girls will be quick to help me find out how it was my fault
Or how every woman isn’t like that
This is starting to feel like a letter
And you hate reading
I was falling
But I swear I could see heaven somewhere at the bottom.
I don’t know how to end this poem
I wish I could hand you the pen because you’re pretty good at ending things
I know I sound bitter
But how your lips say no to me,
What else could I be?
A part of me still wonders what if.
I carried you
And your heavy scars
Till my back broke so bad
Now I can’t Carry on
I see you online
Complaining about not getting everything I selflessly gave you
It hurts in places it shouldn’t
But I hope you find him
Or her
I want to see what everything I’m not looks like
I mean
At some point you made me feel like I was someone someone else would have and be thankful for
Someone worth at least picking up the phone for
You called on Christmas last year and that was the one Christmas I felt Santa might be true
You actually said those three letter words that make men drop kingdoms
But we were on beer and vodka
I curse the gods for not making me drunk enough to forget.
I actually found a girl that told me that my smile reminds her of sunset
Is sunset that ugly?.
After you,
I find it easy thinking the worst of myself
Positivity feels like me lying to myself
I hope I don’t hurt her
She shouldn’t have to play mother to a broken thing
I’m a broken lamp
Promising to give her light
You said I talked too much
Now I just write too much
Funny how I was too much but still not enough for you
I told you I’d write you a song
But I’m afraid that if I sing it out loud,
Birds might drop dead.
So I wrote a poem instead.

Elliepoet

||. LATE LOVE . ||

All this love,
Has your name written all over it.
You’re the kind of maybe I just can’t let go of.
I’d made peace with dying alone,
But how you danced with me in the darkness is a metaphor I can’t ignore.
Your smile ignited a warmth my soul had learned to forget,
A sort of magic I’d convinced myself was just fantasy,
Its you I see even when I close my eyes even when I’m right next to you.
I hate myself for burning the bridge with you still on it,
And I know it doesn’t mean anything that I’m ready to swim through sharks just to hold you one more time,
But my heart doesn’t beat anymore,
It ticks,
Like a bomb.
And something tells me that the next explosion will turn me into ash,
And I’m no Phoenix.
I’m late,
A few years too late.
If you could name the feelings you had for me you’d call them “the late.
Love is beautiful,
And these flowers smell like acid without you by my side,
Love is crazy,
And I can’t stand being in this asylum by myself.
Though I deserve every bit of it.
I’m just a guilty man
Hoping the judge woke up on the right side of the bed.

Elliepoet

||. STONER GIRL.||

Let’s roll a spliff,
And light it as we listen to some oldies.
My room is tiny,
And that’s perfect for this cold weather.
I’ll tell you about the scars on my knees,
And you’ll tell me why yours are smooth.
The songs that make you cry,
And the music that makes your waist gyrate.
Show me the child in you,
And maybe we can roll in the grass,
After we roll some more grass.
I have two left feet,
But I’m glad my inability to dance makes you laugh.
Heck!
At this point even my little toe makes you laugh.
Trust me with your unfiltered thoughts,
I have some guilty pleasures too.
And some involve you,
Tonight the stars outshine the darkness,
And I feel like one of them,
Especially when you look at me with those lazy eyes.
There’s a magnetic pull in your Marijuana breath.
We’re stoned,
We’re high off each other,
I’m a dark poet,
But you bring out the daylight in me.
You’re a pink sunset that makes everything make sense.
I wish you knew how much magic you radiate,
Just by being yourself.
We started tripping with our minds,
Now our bodies are catching up.

Elliepoet

||. SLOW ADDICTION. ||

Let’s fuck like lovers,
I know you’re only here for the night,
But darling there’s no protection for the heart.
Typa sex where I sink in your eyes as I dive into your thighs,
Hold onto me like I’m saving you from drowning into the sheets.
You promised to only moan my first name,
But it’s OK if you call me baby.
Your skin is smoother than my poetry,
So I’m sorry if you find yourself here again,
Wanting me again and again,
Begging for my fingers to touch your skin so that it can feel real.
I apologize for the nights your blankets will feel like ice because I’m not inside them.
And you’ll want to whisper in my ear after I make you scream into my pillow.
You’ll want me to stay inside you till your toes stop shaking,
Then cuddle naked to ease the morning glory.
You’ll enjoy the view of your panties on my floor,
Then later on,
My Tshirts will find their way on your naked body when you can’t remember where you put your bra.
You’ll try to stop yourself from falling
But you’ll know it’s game over,
When you start touching yourself to my playlist,
Imagining my face when another man is inside you,
Feeling sad when the sun comes up and I’m really gone,
Smiling silently when it rains and you have to sleepover.
Walking into our little chamber of pleasure and feeling like home.
Maybe we’ll sail into the sunset,
Maybe we’ll melt our wings halfway,
But for tonight,
Let’s fuck like lovers.
And you don’t need it to rain so you can sleep over.

Elliepoet

||. NOT SO BAD. ||

Sad songs aren’t sad anymore.
I don’t injure myself to cure the pain,
I do it for fun.
People don’t leave my life anymore,
Because there are none anymore,
No wins,
No losses,
Nothing to keep score.
I laid down my arms,
Yet in my head there’s still war.
I don’t hope of better days like before.
I feed on the darkness that used to feed on me.
I didn’t break the chain,
I just occupy a different position now.
I smile when I can,
But it feels like an awkward scar between my lips.
I bought a guitar,
But it’s more screaming than music.
I have lots of love to give,
So I give it to strangers in shows,
Those who I bring close,
Pass through me like ghosts through a wall.
I’ve made peace with the abyss of my existence.
I called the monsters beneath my bed,
And we made love to some metal music.
I’m walking on the thin rope I’d previously thought of hanging out with.
It stings when I finger my wounds,
That way I know I’m alive.
There has been days where my soul was on fire,
And it felt like sunset and not a furnace.
And at least being inside you helps me get outside my own head.

Elliepoet

||. HOLD ME. ||

Hold me when I’m naked and tell me that it’ll be alright
Normally I’d just write
But lately the broken pieces have gotten too many for my hands to hold all at once
I crave that feeling of another skin
Warming up against mine
Another hand
Holding up the pieces so that I can glue them together
A voice in my ear
Other than the voices in my head
So hold me,
Like you mean it
Even if you don’t
Tell me I’ll be alright
Even though you can see the cracks outnumbering the bricks on my walls
Make me smile
Even though the tears are drowning my lips
Hold me,
Like the one who held me before you
They dropped me
But now I’ve fallen too far to even remember what affection felt like.
So hold me back up,
I need a memory of what breathing feels like,
Then drop me if you will.
I know I’m not the kind of movie that people stick around for till the end.

Elliepoet

#collection

||. IT HURTS. ||

It hurts,
Looking into someone’s eyes and seeing your own grave,
Because you’re dead to them.
The hugs are awkward now,
Like two similar poles,
The magnetic connection is lost.
From spending time,
To being too busy.
From long calls,
To being bad at texting.
Deep conversations,
To “see you soon”.
It hurts,
Watching them swim away,
While your feet are still stuck in the glue that held you together.
The highway of friendship flows into a one way street and your car breaks down in the middle.
You see them smile with a brightness they never did around you,
Like your all meant nothing at all.
You try to swallow your pain,
But it has already overfilled your stomach,
So you puke onto a floor flooded with tears.
Tears that you hope can act as a river to guide them back to you.
But they have wings now.
So you slowly collapse into the empty spaces they left inside you.
This poem starts feeling familiar,
Because you’ve been here before.
Others have left before.
You promised the only thing you’d ever get attached to was the bottom of a coffin but you broke your vow.
Look who’s broken now.

Elliepoet